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2026年5月5日
Eleven years ago (crazy), Disney’s Inside Out presented emotions as personified figures manipulating a large control panel. Each individual was shown to have a dominant emotion amongst Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger.
If you asked me today what I think my dominant emotion would be, it would probably be fear. I’m not sure when, but at some point in my life a lot of my (in)actions became dictated by fear: fear of judgement, fear of perception, fear of unknown, fear of failure, and so on.
In published psychology research, I recently learned of the “temporal pattern of regret”. This concept posits that regret from taking action is “stronger” than regret from inaction in the short-term, whereas regret from inaction is “stronger” than regret from taking action in the long term" [1] [2]. Whilst phenomenologically up for debate, philosophically I’d rather end up with regrets from taking actions with conviction than inaction (at least at my current stage of my life, i.e. mid 20s). Something about it being the right time to actually make mistakes and learn from them.
Unfortunately I’ve usually taken the “safe path” and have become laissez-faire in many areas of my life and decision-making. Whilst I have been lucky to be successful in various parts of my life, it’s hard to feel the same about others. It’s even harder to say if this is truly the life I wanted to live, or expected to live at this point. At the very least, I want to go back to a place where I pursue actions out of a place of joy and lower the friction between internal thoughts and external actions.
I find that as I reflect on my patterns of thought, I have a tendency to reject actions I personally would like to take or act on. I notice that it comes out of a place of not trusting in my own judgement, difficulty in measuring outcomes and a pressure to pursue the “should”. Rather than optimizing any sort of internal utility function, I have constructed some mental model of a utility function based on external expectations and end up taking actions that I expect to maximize this utility rather than internal utility. Somehow my life has worked out, but it’s tiring. Sometimes there is a bombardment of “should” decisions from external influences, I fall into decision paralysis and don’t take any action at all. My inability to follow through on internal goals yet deeply respect external ones is probably another byproduct of this thought process. If you read Blue Lock, I feel this is most similar to a World-style restriction ego.
Anyways, I know neuroplasticity exists which suggests it’s possible to change through repeated actions and thoughts which gives rise to notions of “practicing happiness” and “rewiring my brain” (thought patterns). I’m sure part of this journey will consist of learning, reflecting and recalibrating as life goes on. Self-awareness is the first step, the next is to take action. [Insert commentary about how trying novel experiences makes your life feel longer as you get older]
I’m going to track 100 actions that I was hesitant to do, maybe as a result of fear, anxiety or embarrassment. I will try them and then reflect on the outcomes. My goal with this exercise is to (1) lower the friction between converting internal thoughts to external actions and (2) further take responsibiliy for my life and accepting the good or bad consequences of the actions I choose to take. A bonus is that I can also build more stories by taking on more life experiences. I will track these things as part of this blog post so I don’t forget.
Here’s the list:
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- (1) My work friend reccomended I try this oreo ice cream cake. It is part of his birthday tradition. I haven’t had ice cream cake since maybe middle school but it has always been a banger dessert in my memory. I was hesitant because I am usually not super invested in my birthday, and I am focusing on my health right now. But I thought maybe I want to care this time, since it’s my first birthday alone in a while and there’s only going to be so many left. I entertained the thought and pretty much ate cheese curds and oreo ice cream cake for dinner. I guess this is the agency that comes with being an adult. It was extremely decadent, but I felt horrendous afterwards. I will not be doing anything similar again and continue to focus on my health. I’ll get myself a gift next time or eat something less harsh on the stomach.
- (2) My current apartment has an outdoor hot tub. When I moved in, the apartment agent told me about how during the winter months you could watch the snow fall whilst relaxing in the hot tub. In March, I entertained the thought but hesitated to follow through. That was the last time I expected it to snow this year. But suddenly a winter storm warning emerged. Up to 8 inches of snow forecasted. I realized I might not ever have this kind of experience in my life, so I went for it. Of course I was the only one in the hot tub. It was novel yet peaceful, almost boring but not quite. Getting out afterwards was freaking cold but I am glad I went for it, even if it was for a short moment.
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- (3) I have weird hesitation to post things on social media. I’m not on Twitter or TikTok or anything anymore, never really got into it. However, Instagram has a weird grip on me. Maybe because it’s the first ever social media I’ve used. For some reason I can’t really get away from it. I have thoughts where it would be cool to do social media (post pictures, videos, make a platform and maybe monetize it) probably because I like making videos and I like photography. But I also don’t like being percieved or the feeling of being judged. To at least try and combat these feelings, I’ve made an account that for now will track this exercise. I will have to see what I end up wanting to do with it.